It's been two weeks since I quit smoking. In pursuit still of the recreational user. I won't be comfortable smoking until I'm working again, but the thought of being high anytime soon does upset me a bit.
Without the right mentality, one hit is a dangerous slope. The recreational user can smoke a little and return to sobriety, a pothead will find any excuse to keep smoking.
I continue to pay more attention to myself-how I feel, pitfalls and triumphs. I'm not quite as productive as I'd like to be, but I'm getting the hang of sobriety. I think that once I get on a regular diet and exercise like a champ, I'm going to find myself churning out "stuff" like a champ. I will finish my screenplay soon. I will bask in the bright pride of a feature-length script that is not only finished, but good enough to share. My low self-esteem is responsible for my perfectionism. My fear of failure keeps me in traction. With my head above the clouds, I can deal with these personal hurdles like a boss.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Friday, January 11, 2013
Time and Space -=Sober=-
When I set out to modify my smoking habits, I did not expect that I would feel this good, this quickly.
I think that this time I am looking for the positives of my "rehabilitation," rather than focusing on what I'm losing. Sure, every time I've done this before I've felt good to some extent...but this is an all around FUCK YEAH. I have weed in the house and can smoke anytime. I CHOOSE NOT TO RUN!
Time is new too. Browsing through r/leaves you will find post after post of people warning of too much free time and boredom. Good advice they give, to plan to fill that time with hobbies. But take a look around and see what's falling apart first. All of a sudden you have an abundance of free time, and you are no longer working under the same daily constraints. You and you're life should be viewed as a piece of heavy machinery. It needs to be oiled, yo. Dishes need to be done.
On a day that I smoke, time is everything. What time do I have to get off the couch? When can I get really blazed? I have things to do...when do I have to have those things done in order to get fucking wasted? As a habitual smoker, you split your time (seemingly) between being high and useless, and being sober and useless- wishing you were high. We'll call the latter the "DMZ." You may not be taking fire, but you're wounded from the smoking session from the day before. You're bleeding apathy. You look up to the "trees" and wish a sniper with a fat blunt would put you out of your misery.
So in the last two days, without the restriction of getting high or the apathy induced by it... I can do anything I want at any time of the day. This I have discovered, is a basic tenant of the recreational smoker. Activity first, drug second.
I think that this time I am looking for the positives of my "rehabilitation," rather than focusing on what I'm losing. Sure, every time I've done this before I've felt good to some extent...but this is an all around FUCK YEAH. I have weed in the house and can smoke anytime. I CHOOSE NOT TO RUN!
Time is new too. Browsing through r/leaves you will find post after post of people warning of too much free time and boredom. Good advice they give, to plan to fill that time with hobbies. But take a look around and see what's falling apart first. All of a sudden you have an abundance of free time, and you are no longer working under the same daily constraints. You and you're life should be viewed as a piece of heavy machinery. It needs to be oiled, yo. Dishes need to be done.
On a day that I smoke, time is everything. What time do I have to get off the couch? When can I get really blazed? I have things to do...when do I have to have those things done in order to get fucking wasted? As a habitual smoker, you split your time (seemingly) between being high and useless, and being sober and useless- wishing you were high. We'll call the latter the "DMZ." You may not be taking fire, but you're wounded from the smoking session from the day before. You're bleeding apathy. You look up to the "trees" and wish a sniper with a fat blunt would put you out of your misery.
So in the last two days, without the restriction of getting high or the apathy induced by it... I can do anything I want at any time of the day. This I have discovered, is a basic tenant of the recreational smoker. Activity first, drug second.
Monday, January 7, 2013
It's to be a positive journey -=sober=-
That's at least what I am going for. My pursuit for the Recreational User has to be one that makes me hopeful for the future...part of an attempt to coax whatever hopelessness I've carried with me and sweat it out. Or in some cases, cry it out.
My girlfriend was right to be mad at me this morning. I slept in till mutha-fuckin 12:30pm. This is traditionally the part of the post where I would type an extended explanation about how I'm a piece of shit, worthless to everyone, don't deserve to be happy, etc. So I guess it's kinda still there...but I don't want to believe it. Normally these incredibly emotional exchanges with my girlfriend, which are only about one thing-me being a fucking loser, leave me a total wreak. My eyes water up, I think about all my failures all at once, and the opening at the top of the well seems further than ever.
Well, my ankles are soaked by now of course...the water will eventually reach my neck. Who knows how far it will rise before I finally climb out-but at least I've figured this much out: I will not rise to the surface with the water and escape...I will drown.
So that's what being a pothead gets you kids. Nothing. There are successful and happy people out there who do smoke. Who knows how often. It's up to me to not let this morning phase me and continue to find tools to make my life better. I want to keep smoking pot. I will be the Recreational User.
My girlfriend was right to be mad at me this morning. I slept in till mutha-fuckin 12:30pm. This is traditionally the part of the post where I would type an extended explanation about how I'm a piece of shit, worthless to everyone, don't deserve to be happy, etc. So I guess it's kinda still there...but I don't want to believe it. Normally these incredibly emotional exchanges with my girlfriend, which are only about one thing-me being a fucking loser, leave me a total wreak. My eyes water up, I think about all my failures all at once, and the opening at the top of the well seems further than ever.
Well, my ankles are soaked by now of course...the water will eventually reach my neck. Who knows how far it will rise before I finally climb out-but at least I've figured this much out: I will not rise to the surface with the water and escape...I will drown.
So that's what being a pothead gets you kids. Nothing. There are successful and happy people out there who do smoke. Who knows how often. It's up to me to not let this morning phase me and continue to find tools to make my life better. I want to keep smoking pot. I will be the Recreational User.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Intro -=high=-
I decided to start here. There are things I like. Some things I really like when I am high. I can't think of them at the moment, because I'm high.
I spend the day coming up with great ideas, blurting them out, and forgetting them. And apparently I am a multi-media machine. Movies, games, childrens book, dog treats, pranks, tv series, mods...my brain hath wandered.
But the purpose of being high is to put things off. Obligations mount up like dishes on my end tables. To disect it any further is to put moving on, off. My ability to move forward-purpose, financial security, accomplishments and my fucking self-esteem. What is hangin' me up?
I spend the day coming up with great ideas, blurting them out, and forgetting them. And apparently I am a multi-media machine. Movies, games, childrens book, dog treats, pranks, tv series, mods...my brain hath wandered.
But the purpose of being high is to put things off. Obligations mount up like dishes on my end tables. To disect it any further is to put moving on, off. My ability to move forward-purpose, financial security, accomplishments and my fucking self-esteem. What is hangin' me up?
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